The Hidden Costs of Not Being Yourself
An easy impulse when beginning a career is to shape one's personality to the needs of the job. Even in personal relationships, it can be easy to just go along with whatever is happening so that the relationship goes smoothly. This can include shaping one's values, attitudes, and goals to those of the company, even if your own instincts lead you in a different direction. However, there are serious hidden costs when you allow yourself to be shaped by external forces rather than sticking with your own gut instincts.
The Organizations You Work With Lose Accountability
When you are new at a job, it can be easy to become a "yes man" (or woman!) because people around you enjoy being affirmed. However, there will definitely be moments where the thing that your company needs most is your innovation and your challenge, according to Bill Taylor at the Harvard Business Review, rather than just your "yes." One way to think about "not being yourself" is that it can be a bit of a betrayal of your company. After all, they hired you to contribute to the team, which sometimes means expressing your doubts and concerns clearly.Your company or organization can easily get off-track if everyone simply agrees with the most dominant members of the group. Certainly, being yourself can also mean being tactful when expressing criticism, but your organization needs the accountability of many diverse voices discussing any concerns. Just going along with the general tide of the decision-making process robs the business of your unique perspective, which is a huge cost.
The People Around You Doubt You
In personal relationships, most of us know when someone we like is holding back. If you can only behave as if everything is fine all the time, or if you simply change your demeanor to suit the social occasion, you may keep things bubbly on the surface. However, you are unlikely to feel heard and understood by the people around you if you never express what you are really feeling. Authenticity, according to HBR, is a relational behavior; it's not just about you, but rather how you interact. What's more, authenticity is a two-way street: if we can feel that someone else is holding themselves aloof, we will often put walls up. If you really want to get close to people, you also need a reputation for saying what you truly feel. When you speak up in a meeting to point out a flaw in a plan, you help to cement your reputation as someone who will stand up for what needs to be done. Letting the flaw slide makes it seem like you didn't notice the flaw or that you weren't willing to stand up for a needed change. Friends and colleagues notice these moments, and your reputation can be changed to the point where people listen to you and wonder, "Is this what he really thinks, or is this simply what he thinks everyone wants to hear?"
You May Experience an Identity Crisis
One of the most serious costs of not being yourself in public is that you can occasionally forget who you really are in private. If you spend all your time pleasing your friends when you hang out, representing the company's goals at work, and supporting your family at home, you may come to a point where one of those sectors falls apart and not be sure where that leaves you. You may feel like a doormat, or like your only value is in being agreeable.If a job falls through, in particular, inauthentic people often have a hard time picking themselves back up. After all, that company had shaped their whole identities, meaning that any new career option requires total self-reinvention.On the other hand, people who have a clear goal in life that is independent of their circumstances can sustain losses without feeling lost themselves. Bill George, Harvard Professor and author of Discover Your True North, sees that people who have figured out their own purpose aren't pulled away from what they care about by distractions. By thinking about your identity now, and being yourself even when it isn't "going with the flow" in a situation, you are establishing groundwork. When life throws changes at you, you can remain yourself. Those who choose to change every time someone else suggests a change can easily become exhausted and discouraged by their lack of self-knowledge.
You Have to Pivot Your Personality In New Situations
Changing to suit the needs of others is an exhausting business, and it isn't even all that effective. People can tell the look of someone who is putting up a front or being "phony," and what's worse is that this looks different in different situations. Psychological Science even published a study that links inauthenticity to a range of feelings, including immorality and impurity. The right "front" for work might be the wrong front for home, so your mind has to work extra hard just to please or fit in whenever you change contexts, even as it also makes you feel bad. Ultimately, it is less effort to just accept yourself the way you are. Certainly, behaviors may need to change in different contexts, but the core of your personality should be something that can remain consistent. Pivoting one's personality all the time doesn't only result in exhaustion and a reputation for phony actions; it also can backfire when what the people around you really want most is "the real you." As a society, we are becoming more frustrated with phony behavior and more interested in authenticity, so you may be swimming upstream if you choose to change your personality constantly. The very thing people want - which you may really want to give them - is ironically your actual core self.
Closing Thoughts
What may seem easier - changing yourself to fit the situation - is actually much harder than really growing aware of yourself and becoming comfortable with who you are. The short-term benefits of seeming like a "team player" in all contexts are vastly outweighed by the hidden costs of not being yourself.Professor Karl Moore of McGill University did hundreds of interviews with the growing new workforce of Millennials, and it is becoming clear that authenticity isn't just a flash in the pan: a huge percentage (more than 40%) of Millennials cite the importance of "good people to work with" and "good people to report to." As Millennials take more and more leadership roles, their need to be authentic will make it an even more prized commodity in the workplace and in life. Most people are more confident, comfortable, and capable when they focus on the tasks at hand and treating those around them well, not on becoming a new and different person for every context.If you want to advance in your career and deepen your relationships, you are better off getting used to who you are now and embarking on a life-long journey of self-improvement. This kind of journey promotes lasting change, whereas temporary inauthentic behavior simply changes you for the moment. Commit to the steady growth that involves challenging yourself to express who you truly are.